In A Loop

Pam Ortiz Thoughts
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It’s been more than a year since I launched my blog, and it’s been hard for me to keep it up to date. I guess it’s time to repent for my lack of diligence and start anew. Lol.
 

Since my last “personal” post, a lot has changed on the outside—my employment status, phone, laptop, skincare routine, camera, postpaid plan—but nothing much has changed internally. At the end of the day, I still feel lost, anxious, and unaccomplished.
 

Whenever I tell this to my boyfriend, he would always enumerate what I’ve achieved so far—no matter how small or big, whether it’s work-related or not—to make me feel a little better, but it just didn’t help. The fact that my “achievements” in life are so random, that they’ll probably not get me anywhere, still remains.
 

I mentioned before that this blog embodies what I want to do in life, well…it still is, I think…but I also realized that I didn’t want it enough. It’s pretty obvious, since over a year has passed and I barely made any new content. Aaand because I’ve always believed in the saying “‘Pag gusto, may paraan; kung ayaw, laging may dahilan,” I easily came up with such realization. Lol. This, then, has brought me to the conclusion that I really don’t have any goal that’s strong enough to push myself to work my ass off…or rather, I do have a lot of hopes and dreams in my head, but I’m just too lazy to make them a reality. What happens is, I usually think about one goal, imagine myself reaching that goal, feel motivated a bit, think about the steps to be executed to reach it, then do a lot more thinking until I feel “unqualified” for that goal, get depressed, move on to another goal, imagine another success, and the loop goes on. I never reach the execution part. How on earth will my life progress?
 

With all of those not-so-nice things consuming my thoughts, I used social media as a distraction. But of course, it turned out to be a catalyst to make me feel even worse about myself. Maybe I’ve been following too much rich and famous people? (Yes, yes, it’s my fault I’m feeling this way, not the rich and famous people) Lol. Eventually, I realized that I needed to avoid social media, but I just couldn’t find anything that would make me avoid it—in other words, I just couldn’t force myself to help myself. Pathetic, eh?
 

Apparently, I prolonged my social media problem just because I allowed myself to make the same detrimental choices and be stuck in the loop of goal-setting > thinking > self-loathing > goal-setting…until I found a couple of self-help books a few weeks ago. Have I broken the loop? Not quite. But I’m probably getting there. The fact that they’re categorized as “self-help” seems promising. Lol.
 

Anyone who knows me quite well knows that I don’t have the patience to finish a book. But then, thanks to my social media problem, I’ve decided to give a few books a shot and actually finish them: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and The Power of Habit. Finishing a couple of books is already a big deal to me, so please don’t judge. Lol. With these godsent pieces of literature, I hit two birds with one stone: the time I spent on social media has significantly decreased, and I learned a lot of new stuff. Yay, me.
 

The Subtle Art reiterated that when aiming for something, we must embrace the taxing process involved instead of incessantly keeping our eyes on the prize; and The Power of Habit proved that building and/or replacing a habit is possible by working on the associated cues and rewards. Although these concepts aren’t entirely new to me, it felt like I had just been given the formula to break the loop and overcome my feeling of being lost, anxious, and unaccomplished.
 

The last paragraph—well, the entire post, actually—sounds so cheesy, it annoys me. Lol. I still feel like crap every day, but I know that I’m slowly breaking the loop I’ve been stuck in for the longest time. I’m finally executing small but concrete steps to eventually make things happen. One proof—this post. At long last, my blog has been updated! 😂😅

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