This time seven years ago, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do for a living.

I took the admission tests for UP and Ateneo; and then UST, when I lost confidence in passing the UPCAT and ACET. I badly wanted to get to UP, mainly because my mom and my sister graduated from that university. My first course choice was BS ECE (Electronics and Communications Engineering), just because my sister told me that it was a “good” course to take, and I knew that I’ll have that “Engineer” title because of the licensure exam afterwards. Clearly, my decisions were highly influenced by my family and my pride.

I prayed hard, went through anxiety attacks, and even spent my Trevi fountain wish on the result of my UPCAT. After months of anticipation, the results came out, and voila— wish granted. I cried happy tears. I was so proud and excited to become an Iskolar. Lol.

I entered the university, thought things were manageable (since I did well in high school)…but nope. It would probably take ages for me to recount my whole college life but if you’re interested, you’ll find my “struggles” here. Haha. To summarize my undergraduate life— I engaged in relatively heavy extra-curricular activities, failed a total of 30 units (around 10 subjects), and crammed my whole final year to be able to graduate on time.

In our college, it’s actually “normal” to become delayed, but since I thought I’d end my struggles (which led to constant depression and anxiety) once I graduate on time, I did everything I could to reach that goal— but then again, I was wrong. The idea of graduating was fun and relieving, but I didn’t expect to go through worse shortly after leaving the university.

As I mentioned earlier, I chose ECE as my course seven years ago partly because of the licensure exam. But ironically, this became the root cause of my first dilemma after college. I realized that the licensure exam is a waste of money and time. Yes, you’ll be called an “engineer,” but so what? It won’t (in general) let you land a job. It encourages memorization of questions/answers. It lets you master calculator techniques that are only useful for the exam itself. But guess what? Despite the fact that I didn’t really want to take the exam, I still enrolled at a review center (hence indicating that I’ll take the exam) just because almost all of my batchmates did so. Stupid, right?

However, I didn’t go to my review classes. I still tried to review on my own (with Jude, my boyfriend who’s also my batchmate lol), though. Yep, I kept on contradicting myself. Again, months passed, felt like I wasting time, eventually took the exam, prayed hard, went through anxiety attacks, and even offered a novena to St. Jude asking for good exam results. Aaaand I passed. Officially an ~*~engineer~*~. Lol. Hooray? Hooray. Now what?

I still didn’t know, but a few weeks before the licensure exam, I received an invitation to apply for a job at a Japanese company that’s branching out in the Philippines in 2017. It seemed interesting so I applied, and told myself that I won’t apply for other jobs unless I fail their application process.

The whole process took a couple of months, and it was quite difficult. And according to the hiring managers, around 4000 people applied for the job, so when I got in, I felt my worth for a brief moment. Lol. I thought I’d be happy…but no. It became detrimental to my health, and I eventually had to leave the job.

Besides health and happiness concerns, I had decided to leave because I also wanted to learn new things and become a freelancer. And like college graduation, leaving my previous job felt fun and relieving. I was filled with hope and optimism. I thought I’d be fine as long as I didn’t take my eyes off my goals. I had managed to stay in that particular state for a few weeks, but depression hit me when I eventually realized that I couldn’t monetize (anytime soon) what I thought I wanted to do in life. I felt frustrated, sad, confused, and doubted my worth in this world. Overreacting? You may think so, but sadly, that’s how negative my mentality is, and it’s a struggle that I’ve been trying to end.

After going through an emotional/mental rollercoaster especially after graduation, I’ve come to accept that life is unfair, the real world is harsh, and things don’t go how I imagined them to be. Plus, humility goes a looong way. These realizations seem simple and obvious, and for sure we’ve all heard of these “reminders” from the oldies before. Well, I guess I was just destined to go through some struggles first before finally being able to pick these up. Lol.

Bottomline, it’s 100% normal to feel lost and confused about life. Don’t worry if you haven’t figured things out, and don’t be afraid of the future. Just exert your best effort at whatever you’re doing now, take care of yourself, and let God guide you to the right path. *wink*