Being one of the pioneer employees of my former company, climbing up the ladder would’ve been relatively easy. And from day one, our director constantly stressed this out, assuming that this could motivate everyone. Even when I had decided to resign, he still had to ask:

“What’s your idea of success— being a manager, earning a lot?”

For some reason, I easily knew what to say:

“Doing what you genuinely love for a living.”

Hearing myself say these words confirmed that I made the right decision. But unfortunately, I wasn’t really sure of what I “genuinely love” to do, I just knew that what I did in my previous job wasn’t what I wanted. So yes, what I did seemed unwise, even though I thought I did something right for myself.

Hence, I had decided to take my “vacancy” as an opportunity to find my niche. I bought online courses on Udemy and took them at my own pace, went on a few spontaneous trips, and tried to relive my past hobbies. I’ve been extremely grateful for being able to do all these things, because it allowed me to grow and learn by myself in just a couple of months.

In just the first few weeks of my unemployment, I was already able to see what my passion really is. As it turns out, I do love to code. Plus, I became more and more interested in front-end web development, so I eventually wanted to build my own website. Lol. I applied what I previously learned online, did more research, and dedicated more than eight hours a day for a few consecutive weeks just to finish the base of pamortiz.net.

After doing front-end work for myself, I thought I’d be able to do freelance work right away. But nope, I was too ambitious— I sent proposals to various clients on Upwork, and no one responded. Lol. I realized that there are a lot of other freelancers in this field, and they’re definitely way more experienced than me. I continued to try my luck on other freelancing platforms, but failed.

It then came to me that I won’t be able to monetize my so-called “passion” anytime soon. It was frustrating and sad— I dreaded the idea of returning to the corporate world, but at the same time, I didn’t want to burden my parents anymore.

It felt like a dead end. I felt insignificant and worthless. I let anxiety consume me, until I was able to open up to my parents about what I was going through. Apparently, they genuinely wanted me to do what would make me happy, and not worry about a single thing. But then, despite their support, I still gave in— I eventually decided to go back to the corporate world. Oh well. I realized that it would make me happier to give back to my parents sooner (though they didn’t really need me to).

In the end, my idea of success still stands, but I have to accept the harsh truth that pursuing one’s passion isn’t an easy way to happiness. I guess passion and practicality don’t often come in pairs…yet.